Hidden Room Dreams

I have a recurring dream that I find new parts of my home that I never knew were there before. This morning, I finally slept in!  (I've been pretty wound up lately about getting our home ready for the baby, getting the kids started in school, canning, and learning how to use a sewing machine(and realizing how much more I can do with this new skill), We also just found out we are having a GIRL!  (-; 

In any case; I, having finallly gotten a full night's sleep, had one of those dreams:

I was wandering in my home(I think I went downstairs: yesterday we just started fixing the drywall in one of the rooms in our basement) While downstairs, I found a new part of the house/room that had its own kitchen and refrigerator. The kitchen part was up a step/a short level higher than a sitting area..There was a big refrigerator (I sometimes wish our refrigerator was larger)--On the lower level, there were also  couches and  shelves of stuff left from the previous owner filled with really nice pots and pans..I was really excited for the expansion of what I could do in this open fun- feeling space.  There was also a large door  with windows with light streaming inside, leading outside to a city street and the ocean...felt like I was in a beach town..Then as I looked around some more I realized that this room was like an indoor courtyard connected to others people's homes. The space was shared..and down a hallway were other shared rooms for sewing and crafts and tons of other fun stuff..People started showing up..There was a Baha'i event going on..Lots of people talking together..coming and going, getting food, going to the crafting areas.. 

My general feeling was of awe---It felt wonderful..  At first I was excited about the expansion of our home, but then I realized that there was so much more with how it opened up to the community.  It was busy and happy, and creative.. 

I love this kind of dream!

Optional

Someone told me recently that what I do is "optional"...It has hit a nerve. 

There are so many assumptions and so much ignorance and bias implied in that one word.

What was it that was considered optional:

canning, growing food, going to the farm to pick up our veggies, buying food in bulk, making food from scratch, composting, attempting to phase out the grocery store, taking my children on outdoor adventures-like going fishing.. 

Optional-unimportant..

All this work I do, unimportant...  ??

Honestly, I question it sometimes...It is not a "convenient lifestyle".  Often the cleaning of our house is put as a second priority..so our home is not as groomed as it could be..Dandelions and clover are out of control in our yard. And we aren't even worth yet, of being really "green"...We have too much "stuff" are cluttered..we watch TV, etc..  Our life is not simplified enough..We live in 2 worlds still.. 

I spend a lot of time in the kitchen...Someone might look at me...barefooted and pregnant and think I'm some kind of Betty Crocker(stereotype)..  But, I'm not...I don't think of myself as a 1950's type..I think my views are more radical/liberal than that..but in many ways I'm conservative too. (I don't think it is bad to be liberal or conservative-I'm not one or the other) I'm religious, but my religion is "different"...I am a Baha'i..and my beliefs do not fit into a conventional box..  Some have told me we are going to Hell, because we do not think Christ is the "only" truth..  We believe in Christ, Buddha, Muhammad, Moses, Zoroaster, and Baha'u'llah.  So, I don't think I quite fit into the Betty Crocker(stereotype) box..I cringe at terms like "housewife"-I am not subservient to my husband. I do not see my purpose in life as singularily serving his needs. (I believe women and men are equal and deserve equality) I dress up very little. I do not wear make up and rarely even jewlery(although I'm thinking I'd like a pretty pair to wear recently..)  My  cakes are messy..My pie crusts fall apart. My sewing and knitting looks like a child's work.  I am not much a "neat and tidy" /perfectionist person..  But I do like some order, and I like my house to be clean(not gross)..I don't really like the clutter, (but my house is cluttered)..

I'm digressing.. I went on another tangent..  (-;  Anyway-  Optional:

what I am getting at is a feeling of importance...I might have been thinking about "going back to work" or trying to "earn money somehow" just about now.  I; however, am about to have another baby in January..and if at all possible, still wish to be available and not have a day care raise my child...just as I've felt about my other 2 children.. 

Would my job be seen as necessary or "optional" even so...  as the "secondary bread winner"?? 

What I have been doing, to me, is not "optional" but very important...I honestly feel I am part of a kind of revolution...  Notice the headlines lately?  how often food is contaminated...how often you find that the food or products you use are full of toxins, are made poorly...  Everything is now based on "convenience"..and ruled by what marketers tell us we need...We have become locked into a dependency upon that convenience..  I am TRYING to break free of that as much as possible..  shifting from convience to value..

But, what I am doing is "optional"...maybe doesn't even taste as good sometimes to the kids as the store bought white bread..  Why do it--spend hours doing something you can buy really cheap??  what is the point?  Why spend hours learning to knit a scarf, when you can simply buy one for $5?  Why do this to myself?...if it is "optional"? and my scarf is full is mistakes...and not as "neat" as the one from the store!? because I'm so new at this..and just learning ...like a child..

I don't have credibility yet...  My garden growing skills are also still novice..still learning..  Everything I'm doing is novice, because I've only just started over the course of the past 3 years..  I'm not a "master" of it yet..and it takes me longer..and I'm spending too much money on books and getting it all started..  the wood for our raised beds..initial investments that are hopefully going to last for years..(hopefully)

all optional?? 

hearing that word, hurts...because sometimes, I'm not even sure if I am dong the right thing.  and sometimes, I backslide on the principle of sustainability...

Sometimes, I am filled with a grand sense of purpose in doing this---and other times, I wonder if I am wasting my time..  Sometimes, these battles are not always won..  buying a water bottle, then finding it has BPA in it..then buying another water bottle...feels wasteful..and frustrating that it is not always clear-cut and easy to figure out. 

It has become increasingly more and more difficult for consumers to figure out what is okay and safe to buy...and even at the vet..do I trust to vet to not "over-vaccinate my pet"...or the doctor to not "over vaccinate, over treat, overly intervene"...I am learning that sometimes there is way too much invasiveness in medicine...and I think this over-treating can be detrimental to our health...too many vaccines=too many chemicals...  Our dentist x-rayed my children without even asking me if it was okay.  My vet put a pesticide on my cat without asking me first!  an accumulation of chemicals...exposures..all so we can live longer..(I guess)...Pharma--"just give them a drug to make them feel better" There are drugs for everything! 

My point is, I am trying to change my/our life around...trying to decrease our dependency...but it is not convenient...

but to me it is NOT optional!  because the current way  of "convenience" is not sustainable....Why would I want to be on any other path than this one where I am striving to change how I think..which is not really "mainstream"---and definitely not convenient...

but I love it...I love the learning..even if it doesn't look polished yet..even if I don't look completely "credible" or earn prestige from doing it..  even if someone thinks I'm some kind of 1950's housewife..  I am not doing this; however,  just for my family; I am dong it, because I feel I am a part of a larger change that I think needs to happen..and I'm doing because I enjoy it..and feel good about it, and feel like I an artist...it gives me the same kind of satisfaction as it does when I have created an oil paining, or wrote a term paper for my masters degree..  I do it, with as much professionalism, love, and effort, as I did to earn my BS and MS and apply for jobs..  It is my profession right now..my livelihood, and it takes just as much effort and intelligence and SKILL!!  as any outside of the home job I have had..  and I work hard at it..  and I'm still on a learning curve with it..

but it does not give me "title" or prestige. or raises, or pay, or promotions..sometimes it doesn't even save me money (yet)--I'm working on that part..   

but optional??  unimportant?? 

Isn't the tip of the iceberg of putting down what a woman might do as "inferior"!  I am a feminist in this sense--that I am sensitized to this--and I am a feminist--that I believe a woman has a right to choose what she loves to do--to be able to choose her path...

And what I LOVE to do is be a full-time mom, and a "radical-homemaker"...and perhaps a writer..if I ever get past my rudimentary rough draft stage of writing...  (-;  And I've worked as  a teacher and a counselor(program therapist and play therapist)--I've been there too and may go back to it when my children are in school full-time.. 

But for now, I am here, at home in this profession..  that I love..

doing what I love and following my own sense of integrity and purpose is NOT OPTIONAL..

Sustainability, Pregnancy, and Compromises

I have not been writing so much lately (except in my private journal). This seems to have been a time of inner-reflections for me and coming to the realization that we are in the process of being participants in creating a new family member.  I am also in the midst of morning sickness..the most unrewarding, slow period of pregnancy (in my experience)... (the baby is sooo small at this point--the size of a large olive) All of the enjoyment I have found from cooking and gardening and trying new things is now dwarfed by this feeling of nausea...Right now, I am just trying to get through each day..I'm slowing down..falling back on old recipes (and even not cooking, but doing take-out, warming up frozen Trader Joes meals)---It feels icky to me to be regressing in my food goals, but right now I can't stand being in the kitchen or doing dishes.  I am eating much more sugar than usual...I get liquids down by drinking juice or carbonated juices/gingerale.  I'm not saying this to sound all dramatic--or to complain.. but to admit that I have been compromising in order to get through these few weeks.. I don't like it. I don't feel good about it, but not sure how else to do it. All I can say is that it is temporary...this will pass and I will be ravenous for good food again.  (I haven't been eating completly badly---I still make soup and salad still tastes pretty good, and some fruits..)  but I have bought a fair amount of "processed foods" lately...and it kind of feels icky..  I've mainly steered away from a good portion of processed foods for awhile.. not completely, but my dependence upon them has greatly decreased over the past couple of years (until now)-- 

I guess I say all this because I wish to be honest in the struggle towards sustainability..  It is not always straightforward--and the journey is not always upwards 100% of the time.  I do know that I can't wait for this part to be over and to be back to cooking from scratch, making bread, gardening more enthusiastically...  I love 2nd trimester (nesting)

This is one of those challenging periods...what does one do, when one can't cook?  A supportive community is good in this case.. (not that I expect anyone to be bringing food over)--but in a much more ideal community life--that might happen more..  and then fewer "processed food" compromises would need to be made.  I really really don't mean that to put anyone in my community down for not doing it at all! (I haven't done it for others enough to even come close to hoping for this)--and I do think one Baha'i in our community actually did offer to do this for me, which I haven't felt compelled to call her on yet..    But, it is a mind-set...that I'm not even fully a part of yet... 

And, if I was working, it would be even harder to make healthy food at this point..  All in all, I'm grateful.  I'm in my 9th week, my first doctor's appointment is Friday..So far so good..I'm not bed-ridden or dehydrated (knock on wood)..I'm functioning...but on a much slower, less productive pace..  and it seems to be a time of reflection...I think I'm paying attention to my kids more as I am less distracted by getting things done..  There have been some good moments with them lately.. 

This is also a good reminder of what it might feel like to have chronic health issues...this nausea doesn't really go away...it is always with me except when I sleep..  It waxes and wanes in its intensity, but I know it will be mostly over in a couple of weeks (I hope)..  I have to find a way to ignore it, but still not ignore it so much that I'm forgetting to keep snacking to keep it minimal..  to remember to drink..even though it makes it feel worse..  Mind over matter..so that I can keep going and not completely have it rule me.  Like an exercise in mediation..  How does one "ignore" nausea??  Well, some tricks I have found involved going outside...esp. when it is sunny..(that helps) ginger helps, snacks help, getting protein helps, talking to friends really helps, (and simply laying down) helps.  (Being on the computer does not help, however)  :-/

Living Life Now--in mind and body-Meditation

I just read the book The Miracle of Mindfulness. Recommended by my friend, Monique (the person whom I have taken sustainability classes from)-Sustainable Living on a Budget.  (Right now I am way too tired to be writing..I just couldn't figure out how to spell miracle...experiencing that "fog" of fatigue..  But, I really have wanted to talk about this so here it goes..hope it isn't too incoherent.

The basic idea...  So often we get through each moment with the hope of what is coming next.  Getting the dishes done quickly so we can enjoy our cup of coffee afterward.  If we live in this way, chances are we not only don't live while we are doing this dishes, but we also won't while drinking the coffee (or tea)...  chances are that while drinking the "treat"..we'll be thinking of the next thing..or something in the past, etc.. 

Thich Nhat Hanh, says that it is important that while we do anything, we think about what we are doing..We purposely make ourselves aware of it and appreciate it.  For example, while washing the dishes, think about what you hands are doing, how the water feels, what the bubbles look like, how it smells, how nice it feels to get it clean, etc..  And that this idea can translate even during times we are doing something we really don't like... 

For parents:  He also talked about not dividing up our concept of time--my time, your time, family time, work time...If you live in the present, it all becomes "me time"..Wow, fancy that!  (-;  How many times, do I plead to my husband to take over so I can find a little "me time"..  ??! 


He taught that to do this--you need to become aware of your breath--I'm breathing in 123..breathing out 123..  (there's more to it than just that, but it seems that is the first step)  He said that we can become more in control of our fears...  (I've had a bit of insomnia lately and I decided to practice this and it may not have put me to sleep, but it kept my worries and excitement from taking control of my mind)---i just found out that we are "expecting" .. 

I think about this, because there are days when I don't think I've truly related to my children...wasn't present. They are going to (and are) growing up so quickly and one of my fears is that I'm going to wake up and realize one day that I didn't even "experience it"--I was too cluttered in my mind..and wonder if I really experienced such a miraculous time.  There are days when I really think I missed out, because I was "too busy"--not just physically busy, but too preoccupied.

I'd like to be more present..  with the people that mean the most to me especially..  (and that is tricky because I am introverted--I feel replenished by time in introspection and I daydream a lot--that is until I hear..."Mommy, can I have some water...)  (-;

Feeling Soo inspired by book Radical Homemaking

Reading this book and feeling sooooo inspired. This is beyond liberal/conservative--It is NOT about being "subservient" or "less than"--It is about being independent of corporations--of developing SKILLS that have been lost..so that we don't have to be in such a hurry and have to buy (McDonalds or other convieniences)--so we can eat healthy food...and buy less "stuff" and instead spend time together as familiies and community..get to know our neighbors.. And also feel fulfilled/self-actualized---and be responsible to our planet, our animals, and people in 3rd world who sweat blood/starve to make our $5 t-shirts.

http://radicalhomemakers.com/
http://www.homegrown.org/group/radicalhomemakers

page 54

The first sacrice we make to this extractive economy is our time...we attribute little or no value to our time, unless it is used in a process whereby money changes hands..It matters not what the time was used for, so l ong as the trade resulted in the generation of dollars. "It could go to thinking up new ways to seduce children into drinking more cola, or plotting ways to subvert clean air laws," notes Rowe. "So long as the time has flowed into the market and increased the churn of money there, it has been used beneficially where the economic mind is concerned. " Once we have sacrificed our time to the extractive econonmy, there is even more money to be made, because we now must use our hard-earned cash in order to purchase substitues for the time we've traded. We buy take-out and fast food when we don't have time to cook dinner. We buy prescription drugs when we no longer have time to take care of our health and get ample rest. We buy luxury goods for our loved ones as a substitute for spending time together. We throw out our shoes when the soles wear thin, toss our electronics into landfills when they stop working properly, because it takes too much time to repair them. In the long run, we wind up cash-poor and time-destitute, while coporate American

accumulates our wealth."

Page 58 Toward a Life-Serving Econonmy

(Shannon Hayes says that whether we work in the home or outside the home, it is important we follow these 4 tenets in our livelihood)

1.  Respect and care for the community life.

2. Ecological integrity

3. Social and economic justice

4. Democracy, nonviolence and peac

Fasting, Addiction, Filters, and Dinosaurs-Oh MY!

Baha'i Faith on Fasting

http://www.bahai.us/fasting-time

Prayer and fasting is the cause of awakening and mindfulness and conducive to protection and preservation from tests.~ ‘Abdu’l-Bahá

I have really wanted to blog about the soapmaking adventure for quite awhile, but my time been extremely "filled up" with making the soap, Ayyam-i-Ha, my husbands and daughters' birthdays and now the Fast.  I am really struggling with fasting today.  I am craving spaghetti and it would be sooo easy to make it right now.  Both kids are at school. I'm home alone for just long enough to make it and enjoy it..  I decided that the best thing to do would be to blog about some of the topics, I've been wanting to for awhile with the time instead.  I have a headache today, because I drank coffee this morning.  (something that is NOT a good idea while fasting for 12 hours) 

Addiciton is a hard thing to deal with.  Addiction to foods, to escapisms, to "things"...wanting to buy things.. (even buying sustainable things (or cooking things, or soapmaking things) can be very addicting). 

I am really hoping that fasting will help this everyday struggle to keep filtering...to be a better filter.

My family and I went to see "Walking with Dinosaurs" with the kids a couple of weeks ago. http://www.dinosaurlive.com/  It was very expensive, but we rationalized that we won't be going to Disney World anytime soon..And we vowed we wouldn't buy ANYTHING there.  Deciding that is one thing, but it becomes harder when faced with "Pressure"...We managed to walk by all the snack and souvenir stands with people actually approaching us to "buy"..We sat down in our seats, thinking "Phew" we got through that and the kids did  not tantrum about not getting anything.

But before the show started, they entered the seating area shouting, "ice cream, popcorn, cotten candy"...It was ridiculous...and it wasn't only once they did this.  They did it at least twice or three times...Before the show and during intermission.  We managed to live up to our goal and did not buy any of it, but our kids felt "deprived"...They were very disappointed..  And we were angry for the constant pressure..

I resent this pressure. It is hard enough to resist it, without always being pressured and manipulated...linking sense of self worth with material possessions...is often the strategy....Filter. Filter. Filter

Sometimes, I "pass this test"...Sometimes I don't..

My Fasting thoughts:

I notice that for me, each day has a unique challenge. for example: One day it was the physical discomfort of being hungry/thirsty, another day was emotionally wanting the habit foods/snacks/coffee. and another day being bored/grumpy with it-wanting it done. another day-feeling really spacey and tir...ed. Each day is unique...like a test a day to try to pass. 

Lately, it hasn't been "fun"...In the past, I felt good about fasting..The challenge of it, made it rewarding.  This year is difficult, because I don't "feel" the reward.  Perhaps that is an addiction too..I read that part of the resistance that kids have to "practice" an instrument is that it is not always fun or rewarding for them.  It is part of growing up; being able to do something even if you don't feel the reward.  (this depresses me, because I don't think I'm even there yet.)  Does that mean I'm not as mature as I'd like to be...I suppose I still have some "growing up" still yet to do.  Fasting is NOT fun for me today.  So, far, I'm doing it, though.  But, I'm depressed about it.  I don't feel "good" about where I'm at yet.  I make one step forward and 2 steps back sometimes.  Trying to be sustainably minded, spiritually-minded...  But, I'm not quite "grown-up" yet.  I still want a reward and feel depressed about having to "let go" of that..  I do not always "deserve" or I am not always "entitled" a reward even if I've had a hard day, or "the hardest day"...

But on a more uplifiting note:

Here is what Rumi says about fasting:

There's hidden sweetness in the stomach's emptiness.

We are lutes, no more, no less. If the soundbox is stuffed full of anything, no music.

If the brain and the belly are burning clean with fasting, every moment a new song comes out of the fire.

The fog clears, and new energy makes yo......u run up the steps in front of you.Be emptier and cry like reed instruments cry.Emptier, write secrets with the reed pen.When you're full of food and drink, an ugly metal statue sits where your spirit should. When you fast, good habits gather like friends who want to help.Fasting is Solomon's ring. Don't give it to some illusion and lose your power, but even if you have, if you've lost all will and control, they come back when you fast, like soldiers appearing out of the ground, pennants flying above them.A table descends to your tents,Jesus' table.Expect to see it, when you fast, this table spread with other food, better than the broth of cabbages. from The Illuminated Rumi, Translated by Coleman Barks

Haiti

I almost don't want to think about the eathquake in Haiti...and all the people who are suffering right now. Each time something like this happens...I become overwhelmed with the images of the people..and the fear that it could happen to us and the guilt for my own comforts while others are suffering. Our mortal life is so fragile. Our comforts could be fleeting. It is a reminder of that fact. I am honestly, very accustomed to being "comfortable"...the discomforts I feels are miniscule in contrast to what people are going through in Haiti right now. It is important to donate money if you can...or to help others who are suffering..I am glad that there are easy ways to donate towards the victims in Haiti.

One of the easiest, I found was to Text "HAITI" to 90999. The red Cross will get $10 and you'll be billed the $ on your next cell bill. I think $10 is worth it to help save a life. One less lunch out...



"When a crisis sweeps over the world no person should hope to remain intact. We belong to an organic unit and when one part of the organism suffers all the rest of the body will feel its consequence." -Bahá’í Scriptures

Rainbow: Blessings and Tests

picture from:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Double-alaskan-rainbow.jpg

Stepped out of the house and there was a break in the clouds as the sun shone so brightly and generated so much warmth! Then at the same time, it started to shower. My daughter exclaimed, "sun and rain--that makes a rainbow!" I looked behind us to look for one and it brought a burst of joy to my heart...a perfectly formed full rainbow..that lasted only as long as the sun was out from the clouds. Felt like a blessing to share that moment with my daughter...and I thought of the Baha'is on trial and in prison in Iran...and how blessings and tests/hardships are so often linked.


Quotation from 'Abdu'l-Baha'

The more difficulties one sees in the world the more perfect one becomes. The more you plough and dig the ground the more fertile it becomes. The more you cut the branches of a tree the higher and stronger it grows. The more you put the gold in the fire, the purer it becomes. The more you sharpen the steel by grinding the better it cuts. Therefore, the more sorrows one sees the more perfect one becomes. That is why, in all times, the Prophets of God have had tribulations and difficulties to withstand. The more often the captain of a ship is in the tempest and difficult sailing the more greater his knowledge becomes. Therefore I am happy that you have had great tribulations and difficulties . . . Strange it is that I love you and still I am happy that you have sorrows. ('Abdu'l-Bahá, Star of the West, vol. XIV, no. 2, p. 41)

10 Years Ago

Sacred Petal by Prachuap Chaikham-udom seen on Novica -05

Ten years ago. During the worry over Y2K; I was at my mother's funeral in New Hampshire.  Then spending the evening with Baha'is bringing the New Year..the new century.  Has it really been 10 years since I have talked to my mother..seen her face..??  It has been an amazing decade in my life begun with my mother's passing into the next world..Heaven, the Abha' Kingdom. A hard start, but a fruitful time.  I miss her...  I'm going to post what I said on Facebook on December 28th. (the date of her passing):

"Honoring my mother in my thoughts today. Ten years ago today she crossed over. She was the sweetest, most loving, and most determined soul. She had a wonderful smile that was truly radiant. And she was a very devoted mother to me; and wife to my father. She put others before herself. She was a dedicated Baha'i. And a strong woman. She had patience and transcendence. I wish her joy and peace in the next world....in Heaven, the Abha' Kingdom..


Wishing you----a joyful next year and decade...  Welcome 2010.

Albert Ellis's list of Irrational Beliefs

Every once in awhile I think about my career...how I went to school for my masters in counseling...how I worked for awhile as a Play Therapist and a Program Therapist.  It has been years since I've worked in a professional setting.  But I think about it.  and I think about going back to work when both my children are in school all day.  I had an incredible professor at Oregon State University: Mary Lou.  That's it: no last name, just Mary Lou.  She was inspiring.  I had her for Theories.  There are many lessons I remember and one of them, I just spent quite a bit of time trying to find and it is a list of irrational beliefs we may have in life..  And here is the list: from this site: http://personalmba.com/applied-psychology-ellis-irrational-beliefs/

I am not a cog-behavioral therapist..but I wanted to share this list because I remember Mary Lou talking about "shoulds"...We often think in terms of "shoulds" I should feel this way..I should have done this..I should be at this point in life..I should be better..  This list is exaggerated on purpose....  A good exercise is to look at the "shoulds" in your own life and "question your own thinking about them" whether they are healthy for you are making you "stuck"...stuck in shame..or whatnot. Are your "shoulds" helpful to you, or are they miring you so you can't grow...making you stuck..


Albert Ellis-Irrational Beliefs

The Julie/Julia Project

The Julie/Julia Project

I recently saw the movie Julie Julia

http://www.amazon.com/Julie-Julia-Meryl-Streep/dp/B002RSDW80/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1262288287&sr=8-1
And really enjoyed it!!  (quite a contrast to my Battlestar Galactica obsession awhile ago) It is a joyful, sweet, humorous movie.  But it was also inspiring to me for a couple of reasons:

Themes:  True stories of : Two women  30-40 something stage of life discovering a passion for cooking and writing.  Julie discovers blogging and that turns into a book and then a movie..  wow..  Julia learns to cook in her forties in France---not just cooking but "professional cooking"---artistically, masterfully..and she teaches writes a cookbook..and becomes one of the most influencial teachers of cooking in America.    Not only that, she seems to be a "joyful" person" unapologetic in how strong of a woman she was..but also very genuine and did I say..."joyful"..at least that is how she is portrayed..  I respect that way of being.. 

And Julie discovered blogging years ago!  2002 or 2003.  Her original blog is still online.  Julies' Blog Her challenge to blog everyday about doing every recipe in Julia Child's cookbook in 365 days...it turned into a transformative process for her and was quite a creative idea.

(I'm not quite saying this the way I'd like to..It's not a very good writing day for me)  I want to write well today...but it isn't coming out the way I'd like it to..  I'm not quite portraying my description of this "idea" as well as I'd like.  My ideas aren't transferring into words the way I'd like them to..  I "feel" very inspired by this "idea"...hoping that one day what I do now will be meaningful...in a form that is helpful to others.  It will be purposeful..  Julie and Julia did something that became meaningful to other people.  That is what I mean..and that is my hope with my own writing..that somehow this blog will transform into something..not sure what..as it evolves. 

Comfort in Times of Worry

O God! Refresh and gladden my spirit. Purify my heart. Illumine my powers. I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou art my Guide and my Refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being. O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life.
O God! Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord.

- 'Abdu'l-Bahá

(Compilations, Baha'i Prayers, p. 150)

Message in a Bottle: Metablogging

I hope it is okay to use someone else clip art from the web? The artist's website is included in the image so I think I am giving him/her the credit for the picture..

The idea of blogging is fairly new to me. The idea of journaling is not.

Last night I was thinking about the concept of it and how incredible it is.

Whenever I journal, I imagine I am talking to someone...perhaps to God, or in hope that someday someone might read it...although, perhaps many of those pages I don't really want just anyone reading...

Blogging on the internet is more public. Perhaps, I am still writing to "God" in case no one is really reading this.. But, I think, perhaps, many that do blog do have a reader or two or two hundred..

In any case, as I write, it is almost like putting a message in a bottle and releasing it to the sea-to the world. Perhaps someone will find it; perhaps no one will.. I may never know the outcome of it.

There are proably thousands who blog? millions? I don't know.. All these bottles floating out in the ocean looking for a reader. Perhaps some of them are an "SOS to the World"..Many people reaching out..perhaps in loneliness, or simply wanting to connect in a meaningful way. Perhaps someone wants their 5 minutes of fame from it. There are probably countless motivations for it. But my imagination of it is that there are many souls reaching out with blogging- wanting to say something they can't easily say to other people in everyday association.

I think of the movie Powder.. We don't realize how connected we are. We see ourselves as separate, but we are truly connected and we don't "see" it. We are more the "same" than we think we are. Our feelings..our need to connect. This blogging experience IS truly amazing. It is spiritual...each post is like a light out into the ocean..and expression of who we are..and that desire to connect with each other..and perhaps our Creator..

This is my own photo. (-;

Camping

My parents next to our HILO trailer

My parents first introduced me to camping when I was one year old.

I do not remember the tent camping stage of that part of my childhood, but I do remember our old Starcraft pop up trailer. I had my own bunk and I couldn't touch the canvas if it was raining or I'd get wet. I loved my little corner of the trailer. We also had a screen house we would set up that would help to keep out the mosquitoes and rain- so we could have our meals in relative comfort. I loved the outdoor cooking, the smell of the meat on the grill, helping my mother shuck (sp) the corn..the campfire popcorn, marshmellows, sometimes strawberries and cream. I loved being outside in nature, the peace, the time to relax and read a book by a lake or river. I loved the nature walks and ampatheater shows/talks, and the new places we were able to explore. Hiking with my dad. Cooking with my mom. Occasionally, we would go camping with my father's parents. I remember exchanging stories with my grandmother as I helped her walk to the bathroom. (she was not very steady on her feet) I remember singing to her "who's afraid of the big bad wolf" (She was very patient and never seemed to mind) Sometimes I'd lie down beside her when she had to put eye medecine and wait for it to work into her eyes and we'd share stories again-episodes of the Waltons or Little House on the Prairie. I remember her telling me that she liked the earlier Walton episodes better before they started drinking. I remember clipping some of blond hair into her hair thinking it would make her gray/white hair change back into younger hair and this would make her reverse in age.

Each camping trip was an unique experience. Each was special in its own way and each had its challenges too. When I was about ten, we sold the Starcraft and my parents bought a HILO trailer that would raise with a hydraulic system. As I entered my independent teen stage; I opted to be in my tent and I loved my "own space". I loved listening to the sound of the rain pattering on the canvas as I read or wrote poems or thoughts into my diary. Ahhhh..the endless hours I could spend in my own thoughts back then... (is that child calling to me NOW?)-

my tent on the right

Even after graduating from high school, during college I'd go camping a little by myself. My parents worried, I know when I was on my own..It wasn't quite as fun alone...

One of the first traditions I wished to preserve after getting married was to go camping every summer. We have done that (almost). We tent camp. (I prefer using a tent.) My husband and I camped across the country back in 2002. Then when our son was 3 1/2 months old, we went camping for 8 nights in Florence, Oregon. (a tricky experience because it was cold and we had to lug our food and equipement in a wheelbarrow every mealtime) Our daughter had her first camping experience when she was one. This year we went to the Redwoods for a week and a half. My father was able to join us which felt really special as I owe this important aspect of my life currently to him and my grandfather.

Camping with young children (as parent) isn't the same as when I was a child/teen...It is MUCH more work and less relaxing, but still, it always feels worth the effort as I see my children gain from the experience. Each year, they seem to learn something about nature or become stronger more mature/wise. My son especially is very much at home "outside". My daughter also toughened up quite a bit this summer as we did a lot of "kid hikes" It is good to get away from the TV, the computer, the landline phone..the housecleaning, the toys, the the the... and simplify life a bit..

My father, myself, and my 2 children

My father told me the story of how he started camping. It was my grandfather's idea after reading a magazine. I think my father was about 14-15 when they first went...so that would have been the early 1950's.

They found an old tent that my great-grandfather had collected when he was working as a janitor. The rest of the equipment they made themselves.. I think it was very cold/hard sleeping on the bare ground/

I guess that parks were just being built as a way to boost the economy-getting families to sight-see, to travel, spend money, etc..

In any case, it has become our family tradition; and I hope it continues for more generations to come.. I hope we preserve enough of our parks that my great-grandchildren can also experience the awe and spiritual relationship to our world.

my husband and children (drawing/writing in their journals).

Poem I wrote while in my tent and listening to a storm outside:

The Test of Life (8/21/89) 16 years old.

The violent storm raged

Gales of wind whipped the ocean

as lashes struck each wave

A war between land

that wanted to be constant

and forces that made change

The clouds covered the earth

with black malicious eyes

and loud striking commands

So much hate, yet the earth's world is a mirror

of the spiritual trials we follow

The cruel attacking

The merciless striking of lightening

leaving a shock of pain

To look at the clouds

No realization of the malice

that could break you

because you cannot really see

Until it hits you

you can ignore the clouds

fight the wind

but you cannot obstruct the lightening

all their lives

people fight the wind

and deal with lightening

as it strikes close by

If they fight hard enough

they will survive the storm

to be rewarded with a definition

stronger than the hurt

The sunny day seems so much brighter

And the person

so much more whole, confident,

and less wary of survival

If this can be gained

how could those hateful clouds

be seen as so hateful

when they give us a gift

nothing else could giveenjoying nature (me at 14 yrs.)

A little blurb on the history of camping:http://www.talkcamping.co.uk/guides/history_of_camping.html

Age 12 (1987) Second to last visit with Grandma

Ok. I did say that this would be a time capsule "eighties" And in my vision of this blog; I imagine a going back and forth between the past and the present time including excerpts from old journals. I took a look at 1987...Yikes. I was a dork. Well, not really a dork, but it is embarassing how much I talked about "crushes" and the such at that stage in my life. I was 12. But here at the end of that diary is a significant memory I have.

So, here goes: (keep in mind that this is in the words of a 12 year old...many spelling (sic) and such errors and probably typos in copying.) and forgive my immature 12 year old perspectives..

Saturday, April 25, 1987 age: 12

I just finished the paper route with dad. He didn't have to work today. So we didn't have to get up at four. I'm not tired at all even if I wen tto bed at eleven and got up at five. Yesterday the most amazing thing happened to me. We went to go visit Grandma at the hospital, because she had a severe shock almost a stroke leaving her right side paralyzed. This happened Monday just after we had spent the weekend with Grandpa for Easter. Grandpa told us Grandma wouldn't even recordnize (sic) us. She couldn't talk or anything. Excpet somehow deep inside me I couldn't realize that. When mom and I went into her room (which last time we were visiting her I was about eleven and wasn't allowed to see her, because of my age) The first look at her I thought she was dead, I was so scaired(sic). I waslked over to her and she was sleeping. I tried to wake her, but I coudlnt' tell if she was awake or asleep. I tried to talk to her, but she gave no signs of recordnition (sic). I read her a healing prayer(my favorite the one I read when I burned my foot). still no recordnitions I told her over and over how much I love her still no resonse that was when I remembered all the times I told her that and she would kiss me and later on when she went to the convelenscent (sic) home she would squeeze my hand, but she just lay there unrecorditionalble. I started to cry. I have never eally felt this way before, except when I couldn't find Panoochie, (our cat) or when I aw that dead cat. When I cried over Mr. Wyman it wasn't my true feelings or when I cried of Grandma Kennedy it really wasn't real, but this time it was true tears not tears that I thought I should shed.

Then mom came over and said a prayer for her. I then kept talking to her and telling her about camping all the fun we had. When I told her stories about the tv series, Waltons, and Little House on the Prairie. The n the nurse came in and I asked if I could hold her hand, I no longer felt like crying. I tried to hold her hand, but she shook it and didn't want any part of it. She probably thought I was a nurse. So I just put my hand over hers and kept talking ot her. I put my head on her sholder and closed my eyes for a while. I wanted to show her my love and that it was me. that was when she turned her head and looked at me. She moved her hand and I held onto it. She sqeezed my hand! and looked at me directly in the eyes. I knew she had responded to me. I told her about the movie Rags to Rickes and I cold tell she liked that. Itold her again that I love her. The time was running out though, we had been with her for most of the time and had to give dad and grandpa a chance to see her. I told her we had to go and I kissed her on the lips and she kissed me back! That gave dad and granpa only 20 minutes to see her. while we waited in the waiting room I saw people talking to a deaf person in sign language. I wen tover and talked to that person with my hands too using letters. When dad and grandpa came back they said granma was very conscous(sic) and even reached for granpas (sic) hand. I have never felt this good in my life.

Core of Self: Unapologetic

I've been thinking recently about how I identify myself and how I have related to other people for years..

I often find myself in a role of looking for assurance from the people around myself. Am I okay. Am I lovable. Is my existence worth something to them? Do I often try to impress them, or share a piece of who I am with them from this locus?

In my life this search for assurance has taken on so many forms. And I realize that even my personality is (slightly) altered depending upon who I am with. Often their energy sways my energy; and I try to fit in with them.. This isn't' the case always. I do not think I do this so much with my husband, or when I already feel accepted and loved.

Alas, though, when I do not get this assurance; I wonder about my own value-or feel hurt that I don't think I am liked. (Isn't this silly) It is not who I want to be.. I should not depend so much on assurance from other people.

I want a strong "core" I would love to not care so much what others think. I "know" I have value. I am proud of who I am and where I have taken my life. I don't think everyone is proud of me..I don't think everyone respects that I chose to be a stay at home mom at this point in my life. I don't think everyone appreciates that I am really into gardening, violin, my kids..care about what goes into our bodies, into the air, the soil, etc.. I think many people might not even agree with the principles of my Faith/and or the things I choose not to do for my faith such as not drinking alcohol.

Many people may look down on how I parent...That I believe in nurturing them/the relationship.I also do not believe in over-scheduling them (but we are still busy) I am also not always a die-hard disciplinarian...I also know I'm protective of them.. perhaps too much.

There are so many points where someone could disagree or look down on how I choose to live/raise my children, etc.. I can do the same thing, probably do...Seems inside our "shell" we think we are doing things in a "better" way. I am living and raising my children in the best way I know how, within my own conscience...and I am not saying it is better than anyone else's way. but I am so often plagued by the "feeling" that I am not approved of.. I wish I could be like Philip Glass and just laugh at the criticism-see it as a sign I am doing something right. And I pray that my children grow up to be okay, well-adjusted, etc..


Inside my heart, I am not apologetic. I am on this path honestly...and I adapt as my children grow...as I learn better.. Some of my "protectiveness" is making way to encouraging their autonomy, independence. I am NOT set in stone.. I have changed so much in this journey and I continue to change when I feel the path is "right" for me..when it seems I am doing the "right" thing. But I hate skepticism/and or competition...it drains me..especially when a part of me is looking so hard for assurance..the skepticism hurts. I already know I'm not perfect. I am doing the best I can. And sometimes I long to hear "I'm doing just fine" and that my children are doing just fine, etc..

I'm rambling.. But I suppose that is the point of the blog. It is the journal I am willing to share. Personal, but not too private. (-;


In any case, I wish for a stronger core..one that is not swayed..I think it is stronger from just realizing the limitation of "seeking assurance" from other people. I don't want that to be the place where I am coming from. I wish to transcend that. Perhaps I already am transcending that..I can see myself leaving that limitation behind..flying above it to something else more solid and real..

My Mom

My mother's name was Cindy and she passed away when I was 26 from a heart attack. She was 55. It was sudden and took us all by surprise. I never thought I'd lose my mother at this stage in my life, before I was married and had my children. She would have been an incredible grandmother. She was certainly one incredibly devoted and loving mother. I was an only child, so of course, I became a focal point of my parents attentions and hopes. more than I wanted to be; however, now I miss my mother tremendously.

I miss what I know she would do.. Talk about her grandchildren endlessly. Share and brag about their pictures. Send them gifts and save things just for them. I feel like my children are missing out on that-the kind of devotion and love that she she was overflowing with.

I do believe; however, that she is with us in ways that I can't even imagine...like a guradian angel..part of the mysterious Concourse on High.. Perhaps life would not be so good right now without her "protection"..I feel like she is helping protects us. perhaps.. And her influences..perhaps she whispers in our ears the guidance we need in those rough moments..Perhaps she soothes my children in their sleep.

One example of her love was that she read to me every night. I can't say enough how important it is to read to our children. Reading was something I looked forward to every evening. It comforted me..it was and expression her love, her time spent with me and because of that I have loved books, reading, learning..and because I loved books, I found a way to survive/and sometimes thrive in school.. And now, I read to my children every night..

I would like to write more about her in this blog..about her influence upon me..and about how that impacts my own "motherhood".."womanhood"

This is a poem I wrote about her a few years ago:



Squishy Love: Raw Memory
In my memory of
My Mother:
11/26/06

Body

Warmly soft voluptuous
Folds and handles
Sweat and rash
Womanly musk

Jagged cropped to quick fingernails
Striped stained shirt damp from dishes
Short straight black hair wet
Slow wobbled walk
Unhurried speech
A treasure map of side trips

Her eyes fiercely loving
Searched and squinted
Trying to understand
Straining to see


Soul

Her smiles like her name full of light
A complete unguarded eruption of joy
Gleamed in her eyes.
Her laugh robust, unchecked and unpretentious

An ox of will
A mission she holds fast
Generations of her mothers within her cells
Drive her onward

Strong, she ascended her damaged brain
Her mind remembered
Despite corporeal commands to forget
Her heart would later fail her
But never her will
Forever her will and her love
Perhaps she hugs me still
In the whisperings inside my soul


Lioness of love
Fierce and protective
In the layers of reign I’d feel overwhelmed
She’d see where I would try to hide
Under my bed or within myself
My childhood basked in it
My adolescence rejected it
…..My adulthood misses it….


Memories

Faithfully every night beside my bed,
She read stories
We journeyed together with
Imagined and real characters
A rabbit gentleman and
A spunky pioneer girl
Her low rich womanly voice
Stumbling over words
Soothed me
Into a safe, comforted slumber

Night fears were greeted with patience
She rocked me back into her womb, my refuge.
Her body like a luxuriant fleshy pillow heated my own
In the cold dark house
We snuggled in the company of the gentle ticking of the mantel clock
The humming refrigerator
The crunching wooden joints
As our weight strained the chair

On the couch, the three of us
Our Tradition of Laurence Welk and Waltons
Buttered popcorn and salty tears
Her touched heart would unveil
I fondly remember,
In the shake of the couch
A silent cry, like her unquiet laugh
Unmasked by her all familiar tremor




Her heart open and moved
The child inside
Footprints of who she has always been
Petals opening briefly
Revealing her sentimental heart

Walks, the two of us
Colored lights sparkling over
Snowy cold New Hampshire dusk
The smell of the cold metallic
Snow crunching and melting in my mouth
Memories of the
Quaint New England stores
The white gazebo and fountain
The steepled church -
The Queen of the traffic circle



What lives on…

Now I hold my own children
Against my milk filled breasts and spongy middle

I regret that they do not know her
I ache that I can no longer be a child in her arms
I mourn for my father’s loneliness and
I feel cheated of a mother’s comfort
When I most want a grandmother for my children.

But, in my touch I know it is like hers
And because of her, I can love my babies fiercely
I read to them as she read to me
And walk with them as she walked with me.

I even think that perhaps
Through my touch, they will know her
Squishy love
Someday, in the ethereal
The place where we all eventually
Mesh in a forever embrace